How can we accompany our children as they say goodbye to their pets?

If what my mother told me is true, I learned to walk with the help of our dog Missy. Missy was a good-natured Bordercollie- mixed-breed bitch and had declared herself my personal protector shortly after my birth. Except my parents nobody was allowed to approach my pram without her permission. She was always there for me. Missy belonged in my first years of life to my world. And then - she was gone. I can only remember that day in fragments. Everyone cried a lot...it is my first memory of what it feels like to be absolutely shaken by sadness and despair. My world was falling apart. My parents tried to comfort me, promised me a new dog ... what would I do with a new dog? MY MISSY was gone. Eventually I fell asleep, exhausted.

Our pets are family members for us. Especially children develop a particularly close relationship with them. Children usually feel and live the connection to our fellow creatures in a very natural way. The family dog is a playmate, protector, teacher and best friend all in one, the cat the closest confidant. One can whisper all fears, worries and secrets into their ears. In an adult world, animals are the children's allies. They accompany them through the different phases of childhood and youth. Turbulent times, when oftentimes all that parents do, is annoy.

Animals just listen, don't ask questions, don't demand and don't judge - they give comfort and closeness, they don't tell secrets, you don't have to be cool with them... they are just there. For some children they are even the only constant in their life.

When a pet dies or the end of its life is near, it is often the first time a child encounters death, the loss of a beloved family member. Especially when children are small, many mothers and fathers have the impulse to spare their children this sad experience. Is that right? Is that wrong? Parents are suddenly faced with the question of how to accompany their child through this experience.
There is no answer to this question. Every family is different, every adult and every child is different and deals differently with emotional stress such as the pain and grief of losing a beloved pet. I would also like to briefly state here that I am neither a psychologist nor an education expert. All the following are my personal thoughts on this subject.

I think it is very important for children how the parents can cope with grief and loss. It may well be that parents are still struggling with their own feelings, depending on personal experiences with loss, separation, death and grief. How these matters have been dealt with in their families of origin. What their parents have taught them. If parents realize that they may need support, I would like to encourage every mother and father to seek it. Today, there is a growing offer of professional grief counselling. This can also be used for past experiences. We are the role models and beacons of our children - even if they may sometimes deny it. But when we are overwhelmed by our own grief, we cannot fulfill this task. How we deal with these issues of life shapes how our children will deal with them.

I am often asked whether children should be present when the animal is euthanized. My answer: that depends. It depends on what feels right for you and your family. How you deal with the situation as an adult. When we are at peace with ourselves here, we don't project our sometimes exaggerated concerns onto the children, but let them make their own experiences.

In my experience, children, especially small children, deal with the subject of death very naturally. It is quickly accepted as part of life. Of course there are tears, of course they are sad, or angry, or quickly switch between different feelings. Some of them are even curious about , asking all kinds of questions, even those that might seem inappropriate for adults.

We as parents should always answer these questions in accordance with our own religious, spiritual or personal believes. Children notice immediately if we are misleading them. Even a "I don't know" is an honest and therefore a good answer.

Parents can support their children very actively when it comes to saying goodbye to their animals by allowing them to get involved - without pushing it. Maybe the child would like to read a story to the dog, write a letter, draw a picture... or create a photo album with you after the farewell and add funny stories from the life of the animal. Maybe the child would like to scatter the ashes of the animal at its favourite place or plant a tree. As for us, it is important not to fixate on the death of the animal and lose yourself in mourning, but to find creative ways to deal with it.
Whether children have to say goodbye to a dog, a cat, a rabbit, a guinea pig, a budgie, a hamster, a rat, a mouse... that doesn't matter to them. Formulations like "just a mouse", "tomorrow we'll buy you a new hamster", "that's not that bad" ... don't belong here. Although well-meant, such phrases can even hurt and convey unintended messages. Children want to be seen and taken seriously. They should learn that their feelings are okay and can be lived. For them, this is synonymous with the certainty that they are okay.

Even if this will not be true for every child, many children feel responsible for what happens in their environment. For example, many believe that it has something to do with you when their parents divorce. Sometimes we also observe this when the pet dies. The child thinks that something he or she did or said or did not do or say is responsible for the death of the pet. We as parents should be especially sensitive in this vulnerable time and make sure that our children do not suffer unnecessarily here.

Like I said, I'm a veterinarian, not a pedagogue.

Of course, the age of the child also plays a role when saying goodbye to the animal and how it is handled in the family. I personally think it often makes a difference whether the death of the animal is sudden and unexpected or whether the family has had time to prepare for it.

The planned, peaceful farewell from the pet gives us the chance of a beautiful ending to a long friendship. We can prepare ourselves and our children in peace. A loving farewell is a good prerequisite for a healthy processing of the loss and mourning for our faithful four-legged friends.